Wahhh ):

Dear Jimmy, 
I fucking miss you. I miss everything. It's been 14 days since I've actually got to even speak or hear from you. It fucking sucks ass. I've been just tucking myself into bed and just crying every time something goes wrong and wishing it was you I got to go too. I miss you like no other. Why is it so hard? FUCK. I can't say much but I wish to hear from you!!!!

Better days.

You know the feeling where you think that you got everything held down, and nothing will get in the way of bringing you down? Yeah, I've been trying to have that feeling, throwing up fronts like I don't care about anything, that I'm just a happy girl and just like any regular human being out there but I think I've hit rock bottom and found my weak points. I've done nothing but tried to keep myself up and going. I hate the feeling of being alone. I hate the feeling of knowing the fact that I'm getting weaker by day. I've tried so hard and still am to act like I'm fine. That holding t down for myself will be fine. How can I simply just lie to myself though? Looking back, scars me. That cold dark night that led me no where but troubles. It was simply just breezing cold around the scariest part of the day, wishing and praying that I could get my last day in with you. Why is it me that has to have everyone important in my life walk out on me? Why is it that nothing simply gets better for me? I can shed a thousand tears but I don't think that anything will get better. I can complain and tell everyone how hard everything is for me, and sure nothing will get better. It's just a matter of time that I need. Sometimes I feel so alone in this cold world. They act like they give a fuck, but they don't. It's just a way to get nosy. This world is nothing but fucked up people. These past 2 months nearly 3 has done nothing but left me with lonely memories. Left me nothing but sadness. 62 long days nearly coming up. Meaning 62 days that I haven't been able to see your face. You tell me to do so much for you, and I will stick through with what I promised you. I'm never giving up on the love we actually have. I just want you to know that I'm just not like all the other girls from before. I'm not trying to be the 1 month 2 month relationship. I don't want to be the hit it and quit it. I want you to realize that I am willing to fight my best for you and hold it down and fight for us. Not for you, not for me, but for the both of us. I'm not only sticking around because I want to keep my promise, because I can't bare to just sit there and watch you go through all that pain and miserableness by yourself. It is hard loving a gangster. I'm not going to sit here and say what we had is so easy. I never expected to ever be in a spot like this. The type of love you got me in made me realize that anything is possible. That not everyone is going to hurt me. That not everyone will leave me. I can't say much but thank you for making me look at the finer things in life. I hope these next 6-8 months does nothing but make our relationship nothing but stronger. Nothing but closer to each other and trust each other. I miss you, okay? I miss you like fucking crazy. You don't know how much crying I have to go too. How much weakened I've got lately. But for you, I'd fight for anything. I love you.

Happy New Years/ 1101104031221

Happy 2 months & new year’s baby. Already? Time sure does fly by in a quickness. You can pretty much say these past two months done me well and made me realized a whole new chapter in life. Hm, when we started this whole “talking” thing and before arguments, where we’d just vent and tell each other everything made me the happiest girl, looking back. Remember the nights where we would just talk about deep ass things, or question games and phoning til the next school day. You never fail to make me happy. I would always hated when you called me the weirdest and ugliest names I hate being called. It was just 4 months ago where this whole thing started. I’m glad it’s you I finally don’t complain about so much. You never really left my side. It was either from you checking up on me or your after school visits or you picking me up and we go do whatever your errands would be. I still remember the first time I was actually introduced to your parents again, ah. :O It was one of the scariest feeling ever, but then I started to get use too it. Every time your parents would disconnect your phone line and I’d get so scared when you tell me to call back. I miss your phone calls, voice, and everything. This might be shocking but I even miss complaining every time you would leave me for your COD Black Ops/ Mw2. From this very day, yes, I still get the butterflies when I receive a phone call from you or your letters. I know you haven’t been really around lately for me like you usually are, so things are different. It’s just surprises me that I haven’t seen you for one month. I have done a good month by myself already and I’m still here for you. I just still wish I got an exact answer on how long you have to serve time in there. I didn’t expect something like this to really happen, but I guess you can use this as your test that you always tell me. Just sometimes, I wish things were so much easier then to be said. You’re right I didn’t lose you because you’re still here, just not around to be there like you want too. It’s been a long ride already and it’s just the beginning. Yeah, I might not be the best girlfriend out there. Thanks for actually accepting me and all my flaws. Hmm.. I still have news flash of that same night last month. I knew I shouldn’t have told you that. Why did I do that? Damn, Karma is such a fucking bitch. Maybe that was my karma, not having you here. Remembering the night of our BIGGEST argument. Oh boy, I thought everything was just going to end right there.. I’m happy it didn’t though.  Guess what? You jinxed your words again. “I just feel like being locked up will take me away from my problems, but I don’t want too because of you”. Next thing you know, bam. Ahhh, Everything’s just so crazy. You seriously don’t even know how much I miss you. With you coming out and maybe even moving. Another problem but I don’t even fucking care about that. You don’t hear this much from me but I love having you as a best friend and my boyfriend. It’s pretty cool. I hate it when you think your gang gets in the way of how I might feel about you sometimes. It doesn’t. I don’t care, at the end of the day if you’re still here for me, I’m fine and happy(: Thanks for sticking with me since day one and never gave up. You’re truly the best. Oh & one more thing, i love you babyc! Happy 2 months, bahbeeehs! See you hopefully soon. I hope your court hearing next week goes good for you.
-Queenz/ LadyBabyC <3
p.s. I promise to try my best to hook up an account, if I remember ^^

 Yesterday was the last of it for 2010, I'm so happy that it's done and over with. All the typical bullshit and pain and memorable times I had last year, will never be forgotten, but I'm ready for this new start and new beginnings. I'm trying to find myself better and find my surroundings and find my inner me more than I have last year. I want to be able to do things I didn't so in 2010. Having the ability to have more esteem in myself without being afraid. New years resolution will be followed through so I can help myself out to be nothing but a better person. I want to learn more about God and how to love people more, and start accepting all the things I have in life, then just being so negative about it. This year will be much different. Holding everything down, just the way I want it. I will strive for nothing but the best. Cutting off the slacking and bullshit. Time to pilot my own way in life. I can't wait for baby to get out so things can be much easier for me. Damn, it has been a while. I hope he doesn't spend the whole 2011 in there. Gee, that would suck and ruin part of my year. I'm ready for challenges though. Can't wait to really start exercising again and watch my figure though. Happy New Years everyone! Enjoy the year with blessings. Party it safe. Don't drink and drive succcckas!

A few memories :

2010 YOU WILL BE MISSED. It was good having you around while it lasted. Chuckin' up my deuces with ya. Out with the old and in with the new. Wss'good for this year 2011! (:

Scorpio: Monthly Overview.
-Having a hard time making decisions on the 1st? Hey, it happens to the best. Give yourself a little more time. In fact, stop thinking about the whole thing altogether. Go for a run or a swim and let your decision-making muscles take a rest. Ahhh! Now, that feels better, doesn't it? You know just what it is you want, and what you need to do to get it, the ever-so-wonderful 2nd and 3rd. How'd you get to be so darned irresistible, anyhow? The 7th and 8th are good days to sign. So put your John Hancock down there at the bottom. Romance and creativity are two key concepts for you on the 11th, 12th and 13th. So let your imagination run wild! Don't rush anything at work in your eagerness to call it a day on the 18th. You need to take this slow. Your boss bugs you on the 23rd. The 25th is a good day. So is the 26th. You finally feel like you've found your rhythm. Get ready for a super stellar wrap to the year on the 29th, 30th and 31st. Things are happening left and right. Dreams are coming true. Make your resolutions, then enjoy the ride! 

"Our weakest points are our strongest lesson" -Catherine Ybarra

#11011040312JHQPN.

Did I just lose you again, for the second year? Did I not see this coming? Or did I but didn’t want to do anything? It’s hard to sit here every single day and night and expect for a phone call. It’s killing me inside so much. I hate crying myself to sleep. I hate those nights where all I can do is lay in bed without your voice saying “Babe….babe…Baby..babe” just to make sure I’m still awake with you, so we can phone all night. I can’t cry to you when I have a bad dream. Whose going to check up on me, when I’m panting hella loud? Whose going to try and tell me wsup, even though I end up mad? Whose going to do all of this? No one. I would never thought that something like this was heading towards this was so quick. I remember when I wasn’t use to late night phone calls, but when you came along everything changed. The very first night when we started opening up to each other.. oh damn. It got to me how I’ve known you for so long, and look at where we are standing now. Top of the line. “No girl will be there for me like you will” was your words. “I’ll never do anything to hurt Nancy, never will I leave her” you didn’t leave me in a way where you dropped me for another girl, but you left me going back in there. I always told you to be careful, be cool. You’ve hold your cool for a quick minute, then you lost it and I hate seeing you at break points like that. Member our first fight? We didn’t even talk that night? How sucky. All the arguments we’ve already been through, but each one did make us closer together. Our biggest fight, Saturday night. Thanks for letting me cry to you, hit you, hug you. Thanks for coming over when I was outside making sure I was okay. Thanks for running over at 10 at night when I got a fucked up face. Last time I saw you Monday at 3:30 ): I’m at least happy I got to see you with a smile on your face, with your dimples, and that hug you gave me was the last hug I got from you. It hurts that my last words, I couldn’t even say I love you to you. I hate how I wish I would’ve done things so much better and shouldn’t have treated you so mean. If I could take some things back, I would. Each night we didn’t talk, I could’ve been talking to you these days making up for it, but that’s so impossible. You taught me so much, to always be strong for myself, never be scared of anyone, that people do love me and not everyone will hurt me especially you. You really are different. It’s okay if you’re a gangster, I accept you for who you are. It’s what you are and what can I do about it? Nothing but be there for you. I want to be that girl in your life for the longest time possible. The girl that you’re parents will keep loving and telling me to watch after you. You might not know it, but I’ve been with them this past week a lot and with you family. Each time, I take a step into your room, Nothing but memories. It scares me so much, especially your doll! but you have a secret stache up there, I see. Did you know your computer is taken? And that I took one of your pencil and your id. Sorry! I’m never leaving, please never doubt my love for you, as much as it sounds so corny, I really do mean it. I want you to be strong in there for yourself. Every night I wonder what goes through your mind. How do you sleep? Do you even sleep? Do you think about me just a little? I just try and imagine the look on your face. )= It saddens me, because I know you have a hard time sleeping just like me. Face it, it’s hard for both of us, but we can’t be weak and lose hope in everything. Hold on baby, we’re all fighting for you. In the end, everything is going to be fine, maybe not now, but everyone is hoping and praying things will. Once you get out, I hope you learn from everything. I hope you stay away from trouble. I read everything, and you seemed scared :/ Broke me. Be good in there. As for me, I’m trying my best to hold it down, but honestly I’m scared, of them might coming for me. :/ I’ve been nothing but paranoid lately. I hate it. My friends don’t support me, and it kills me. You know how I am when I’m sad. I do nothing but cry and cry and cry. But I have Joanna, Nikki and Aj looking after me. I just need you to be holding it down in there and not do anything stupid. Something I never say when we’re mad, is I love you. But you know what? Truth is, I really do love you. I never just pop it out randomly my love for someone. Ours is different though. 1101403 on lock though, FOREVER TIL WE DIE <3
 10 minutes to everyone is probably a short time, but to me it’s a lot. I need to come up on money like real fast, but it’s not even that easy. Thanks for the calls making sure I’m doing fine and telling me to be happy out here. Even though it’s a quick session talking to you, I’m glad you’re still the one I can come running too with all my problems. 2 more weeks til the next hearing. I’m praying and praying that you will be released. I know it’s not your fault, it was never with to begin with. You’re a really good person not taking everything out on everyone involved. At least, I know you are safe in there and that you’re room mate/ cell buddy makes you laugh and that he’s funny. At least you have someone you can have someone to talk too and vent too. I still remember when you told me we were suppose to watch Saw 3-d together because you wanted to watch it, but you just watched it in there. We were suppose to watch Tangled, since I wanted too. It sucks that I can’t those long night calls over 3 -7 hours. I miss when you tell me to get up since I knock out so easily. You wanna know something? You have the best dad. I’m glad you finally realize that. You use to always say he never gave a shit about you, but when he talks to me you should see how much he cares about you. He wants to bring you home and he knows you did nothing wrong. He knows everything. You don’t know how hard he’s fighting to bring you back. He’s doing his best even when he’s broke. 0$ but he’s still here fighting to get you home and safe. You’re mom is having massive headaches. They all love you trust me. I’ve been around them a lot, and I think my “fear” for them is gone because I finally got to really talk to them. Well, they’re planning to move. They already are looking for houses, Morgan Hill maybe? I honestly think it’s the best for you guys to move, it’s just everyone’s safety. It won’t change a thing you said, trust me baby, it will. We’ll be so distance, but it won’t break us at all, I promise you. Member near or far, we’ll make it to the end. I’m driving soon anyways(: I remember when your mom asked me for your birthday and she said me and you would do good<3 Means a lot. We’ll I hope everything will good for you. Be happy for me please. I love you, always.

The Royalty Gang: Stay Classy. -Queen&Princess.

How's it going?

Everything is treating me good so far, after 2 months of bullshit and recollecting myself, I finally found it again. The person I never thought I'd have so much love for or fall for ended up being the boy, I really finally realized that I loved. Amazing how best friends can fall in love with other. I can't feel any happier, safe and comfortable when I'm around you. It's weird ever since kindergarten and we finally got to see it and open up to each other, about how everything is. I love that I've known you long enough to trust you with anything and we started with being best friends and still are but instead we are together. I honestly think that I DO deserve you, and will be the only girl that knows whats up and can keep up with you. I love that every time I need something you're there. Or how our family pretty much knows about us. I'm trying to keep this for a long time. Cause like you said, we're never gonna let it go. Its a forever thing, no doubt. JHQPN110110403. Yawps!

I wish I was able to tell you how much I love you all over again.

Bad timing maybe?

I really thought that I could really control on what and how I feel towards you. That liking you was just a crush and it’s just not a big deal. But boy! Am I wrong to the point where I feel so stupid in myself. I’m not just hurting myself but others around me. It’s like something I never wished or expected to ever ever happen. I thought it was just the home boy and home girl level now since we were way back with each other. Oh hay, though look at you always catching my attention. Look at you always giving me thoughts through my head. Keep doing it, and keep letting me chase after what I want til I can’t have it anymore. Because I don’t want to be scared and say once I have you I don’t want you anymore like I did in 8th grade. But I do, I think you could be that boy to change on how my mind works. I think you could make me actually keep what I’ve been chasing for. I wish and want you to be that one. I thought I just loved you 8th grade year and my ex, but man is this just a whole different story. I think I love you all over again and can’t get over the 3 months we’ve talked back then. You made me love you all over again. It just sucks because I wish I can just know what’s going through your brain, and how you feel about everything. I am not trying to be like your ex and put all my hopes up and faith in something that you might not feel the same about, so I just sit and wonder the pro’s and cons and there are so many. What if you don’t feel the same like you use too? What if I’m just another girl? What if there is already another girl? What if I’m not good enough? My instincts tell me so much that I wish I can just tell you and let everything out about how I feel. but then once again, if I was to tell you, I’d have to kill you. It eats me inside that I can’t tell you how I feel about you anymore without being scared. I love your hugs, and smiles and hello’s brings memories and that maybe you still do care. oh one more thing, if only you were to know this blog was made and meant for you. I love you. well maybe.

I feel like all my feelings and emotions are just coming back to you, when I never thought it would ever again. This time I probably know that this will not work out, and I shouldn't chase after you anymore because I was the one who left first. I was the one who made everything go just to the place where we wouldn't be able to work out. But when I heard these thoughts coming and rushing through my head, with what you told me girl, I think was that too me? It seems and sound like it when I was opening up to you. The way you talk to me just makes me feel like I wish there was that connection with us again, where things don't go wrong this time. Where things can just be me and you. I know I'm the type that chases after what I want then after I got what I want and don't want it anymore and leave, but I'm trying to change my thoughts and actions on that. If I was to take everything back, I would. I wish you were to tell me how you feel, so I can think about trying and staying or not. All these mixed signals. What do I now?

Officially a Sophomore.

Part 2 of Summer Highlights,

7 days of Summer left.

I think about it and summer is going by just like that and so fast. I remember being in school and always complaining about how I just want summer to come so I won't have to learn anymore or anything because everything wasn't just fun anymore & school just wasn't the business. Summer came and I had made so many new experiences. I'm surprised I did all these things, I didn't know I would do. I got to go see the city views. The Bay Area, Frisco at night. Beaches, Parties. Everything that can explain a fun and loving summer. School is just around the corner in 7 days. Next thing I know, it will be school again. I'm excited what sophomore year brings me. My sophomore goals.

• Just do me, and get involved only in my own business.
• No fights this year what so ever.
• Bring back my grades, 3.5 
• Do good so I can get my permit for Junior year.

I would be so on track if I followed through my goals, Which I will.

Summer Summer Pictures;

Back on.

It's been a while since I went on this and reading back of the view posts, I have completely changed by the way I type and everything. Thank goodness for change. I'm trying my best to go back on here, for more of privacy, since tumblr is hyped and everything. I've been really enjoying my summer, and living the life. I would say that this would be the best summer yet. New experiences on things, i wouldn't expect myself to do. School is in about nearly 9 days. I'm ready for sophomore year. Oh hay! Life has gotten a little easier. Thank goodness!

My day !

I had a good day today.
-tennny and them came over
-chilled at mr larsens
-joycup
-Family Dining,
-Kick it with Janellah

(=

"How are YAL ?! "

today was pretty sick,Came outside later then everyone ahah cuhs i was myspace whoring ! Loool.But then came and then talked to bree and janellah,and then MICHAEL was being hella rude and mean called bree a dumbasss -_______- hella mean or what ?! then janellah had to leave to drop them off because Michelle wanted to leave,so yeaaah.So me and Bree Brendan Adrian and Franz were talking and played 10 fingers,then me and bree went to go buy candy and DEEEEPPPUUU wanted some too and we just ignored her littllle ass cuhs shes so annoying always following for CHIPS.-________- whatever then janellah came back and bree left so me and jesssamay wanted to say hi to her mom and we did and jessamay was all "doesnt look like her maybe its the stepmom" LOL. then me and janellah had an prettty goood talk,haha,now i cant wait til friday forshure,tomorrrow ima chill with RETARDS,finally ! tenny and tiffany gnna come over so our asses can walk.

New Start.

Okay im tired of my other blog,so ima try this out,and no i didnt do this cuhs i wanted to copy people.Just want to start venting and everything here,so its more personal and everything.And using Tumblr all the time can be tiring cuhs yeaaah,since alot of people use it for the hype and everything.Ive beeeen thinking about making one for a weeek or so now but ive beeen hesitiating but im doing it nooow,So yeaaaah.Im gettting ready to Go outsiiideee to kick it with my COOOOL asss neighbors,and bree is here again,its getting cold outside so thats a good thing my momma would let me out.Jees over here,So yeaaah.